Sixteen Stones

“Amid the Conflict, Whether Great or Small”

By Wendy Ulrich

On July 4, 1776, the American Colonies declared independence, ironically initiating full-fledged war with the British Empire. On July 4, 2023, I was battling a different war of independence – this time in a technology store trying to liberate the locked cellphone of my 94-year-old mother-in-law from the tyranny of corporate security policies.

We were losing.

I didn’t kneel in the forest like George Washington, but as the hours wore on, I certainly did pray. In response, three words came to my mind: patience, kindness, and peace. I immediately understood and concurred with the first two. The third one made me stop and think. I remembered the Savior’s promise to His disciples in John 14:26-27 to give them His peace – not the kind of peace the world might give (or withhold), but peace that would come as theychose not to let their heart be troubled or afraid.

Apparently, their troubled hearts and fear were not just inevitable responses to their circumstances, but something within their control. So how?

I appreciate the observation that we often second guess spiritual promptings when we need instead to act immediately on that first impression. I can see the value of that counsel.

I’ve also noticed, however, that sometimes I really do need to second guess my “first impulse” when it is not being prompted by the Holy Spirit but by fear. Fear has a legitimate, helpful place in protecting us from real danger because fear is fast. But fear can also trigger too-quick instincts of anger, blame, defensiveness, hopelessness, helplessness, or insistence on control. The “first impulse” of fear can blind me to options I miss unless I slow down and think.

As I’ve continued to ponder the peace that Christ offers, I’m learning that peace is not just the absence of conflict or troubling circumstances. I’m learning that peace means:

1. Being willing to council with others in good faith (including strangers in a tech store) and learn from those who disagree with me (including about the value of policies I don’t like)
2. Acknowledging the sovereignty of others over their own decisions and feelings (including store managers and mothers-in-law)
3. Accepting my human limitations and honoring my own boundaries (including about my time, energy, and technical savvy)
4. Looking for what I can control amid what I cannot control (what I control including my attitude, and what I cannot control including the policies of trillion-dollar companies)
5. Acting on my deepest values (like stating my position without defensiveness or contempt)
6. Trusting the Savior can help me (like helping me be of good cheer, protect my boundaries, act in good conscience, and learn valuable life lessons from hard times – see D&C 123:17).
7. Choosing to believe that peace really is a choice (even when I’m frustrated – see Russell M. Nelson, “Peacemakers Needed,” Liahona, May 2023).

I have not yet completely won the cellphone battle. But maybe I am winning the real war.

Help! My Child Has Turned Into a Little Monster!

From Dr. Carrie Skarda

If your primary-age child or grandchild is sweetly behaving well with all these disruptions and stressors, no need to read further.

If your child has turned into a little monster…. Read on!

When kids are stressed or sad their behavior can be grumpy and irritable.  They’re not trying to annoy you – they’re trying to manage big feelings with limited resources.  This is normal!

Here are three things you can do to help them:

Name it

Name the cause of the thing-right-now that’s putting them over the top, name the feeling, and name the not-okay vs. okay behavior.  

Example:  “You hate this worksheet, you’re super frustrated.  It’s okay to feel frustrated, but it’s not okay to tear up the paper.  When you’re frustrated you can take a break and get a drink of water to calm your body down or do some jumping jacks to burn off the mad feeling.”  

You can also model this for them out loud with your own experiences “I’m so irritated that the internet isn’t working right now – I feel like crying and giving up.  But I’m going to step away for a second and walk around the room to calm down then I’ll try again.”

Why this helps:  Kids are still learning what’s going on in their bodies & minds, and don’t automatically know how to recognize and manage their own emotions.  Putting words on what’s happening helps them understand what’s going on emotionally and better recognize their options in how to cope.

Tell them the “Story of Their Day”

At the end of the day tell them highlights from the story of their day, from waking up to bedtime, in a gentle matter of fact way, including some of the emotional aspects of the day.  

Example:  “This morning you had Fruit Loops for breakfast, which is your favorite so that made you happy.  You like it when the milk turns pink, huh? Then you couldn’t find your batman shirt when you were getting dressed and that was frustrating and you yelled.  Then we started school and you liked the math but you thought the reading was boring, is that right? Then after school we went for a walk and you found a cool big stick.  We had dinner and you ate all your green beans but none of your apple slices, which surprised dad, didn’t it? Then we watched a movie and you got into your pjs, and now we’re doing stories before bed!  Did I miss anything?” 

Why this helps:  This really helps children develop what geeky therapists call “a cohesive narrative.”  It means the child’s brain is integrating all the emotions and challenges of the day into a contained story that makes sense for them, and it decreases behavioral problems and reduces stress.  This is especially useful for children who are feeling stressed, traumatized, or overwhelmed.  

Bring out the BIG GUNS

Not really guns but, I mean, if it’s really really bad and you need to go ALL OUT to get things back under control, this is the one to do:  Play with them one-on-one for 15 minutes every day for a week.  

Let them direct the play – but no screens (for them OR FOR YOU) during the play.  Don’t threaten to take this special play time away for misbehavior – the play time is just a given.  This is also NOT the time to try and “teach the child a lesson” or anything. Just play one on one with your full attention and presence.

Why this helps:  Connection calms.  And investing in your relationship with this child is like putting “money in the bank.”  When you need to “make a withdrawal” (ie., you need their cooperation) you’ve got some “cash in the bank” to support the withdrawal.

Good luck parents!  We can do this!

Written by Wendy Ulrich

I recently read Aloha: Lana’i, by Cameron Taylor, a gentle story of a young LDS missionary in Hawaii learning from a local church member about traditional Hawaiian religious customs and beliefs. These included approaching the ancient holy places or temples with reverence and in silence, removing shoes, and pausing at the entrance to pray for permission to enter. That permission would come as a quiet internal sense of welcome or worthiness. If permission was not felt, worshippers prayed to know what was missing or what needed correction in their lives before they entered the holy place. Then when leaving the temple after making their petitions and offerings there – and the most valued offerings were covenants of renewed devotion – worshippers paused again to breathe life into their prayers. In fact, a derogatory word for white people in Hawaiian came from a word meaning “without breath,” describing people who didn’t pause to breathe after they prayed.

I recognize in my temple recommend the idea of “having permission” before entering the House of the Lord, but I love the reminder that I can obtain that sense of permission directly from God if I pause to ask for it. He can gently guide me to see what is amiss in my life that needs correction, allowing the atonement and grace of Jesus Christ to further cleanse and strengthen me. These ideas deepen my sense of worship and reverence as I serve in the temple. I want to remember to pause as I complete my temple service, reflect on the covenants I have made, and “breathe life” into my prayers and priestly petitions.

I hit the snooze button one too many times this morning when my alarm went off, and my time for prayer was truncated as a result. But as I said, “amen,” I thought to pause, to breathe, to listen, to focus on my intentions and desires for the day. It felt sweet to remember that even in my simplest prayers, the God who creates and rules the universe has breathed life into me, His daughter. He is always ready to hear me, especially as I pause to feel His welcome, seek His correction, and breathe in His love.

Many women are frustrated when their plan for their life, or maybe just their day, is interrupted. Whether it be the big disruptions of death, job loss, divorce…. or the little interruptions from the demands of infants, a leaky dishwasher, or a nasty headache, learning how to turn these obstacles into opportunities is the topic of my “interruption story” below. ~Carrie Skarda

As a dedicated amateur runner over the last 19 years my motto has been “I don’t go far, and I don’t go fast, but I go 5 times a week.” I’ve been accused, even by hardcore marathoners, of being insane regarding the lengths I’ve gone to in maintaining my five a week habit. Sickness is ignored. Hotels are chosen by treadmill accessibility. Bedtimes are put off to wee hours in order to get a run in on an otherwise packed day. My husband knows to preface family scheduling discussions with the question “how many times have you been running this week?” Running is more than a workout, it’s my respite, my therapy, and my absolute addiction. There have been hurdles to work around, but nothing blocked my running path, until I hit a surprising bump in the road. The baby bump.

When I saw that little line on that little stick, I firmly expected to keep running until the delivery. We’ve all heard the benefits of ongoing exercise during pregnancy, including an easier labor, faster recovery, and quicker weight loss afterwards. So I crawled out of bed and into my running shoes despite the bone wearying fatigue and the completely debilitating nauseas. Ultimately, however, my running nemesis, sciatica, sent crippling nerve pain down my hip and leg that was so excruciating it forced me to use my grandmother’s walker just to stand up. I admitted that daily runs were aggravating the condition, and had to be put on pause. “Admitted” sounds too genteel. I screamed and cried in frustrated protest, throwing tantrum fits that even the most sleep deprived two year old would have admired.

Being forced to let go of my cherished, if admittedly rigid, exercise routine stretched me in uncomfortable ways. Increased flexibility is only one of the valuable take-aways I’ve come to appreciate from that interruption to my running habit. Practically speaking, I’ve learned not to snub walking, swimming, and yoga. I’ve also learned that sacrifices on behalf of another, when made with the right attitude, cultivate love and increase gratitude. I’ve learned there really is a season for all things, and I don’t have to have all things this season. I’ve learned that slowing down, getting off the treadmill (literally or otherwise), and relaxing into the flow of the moment has it’s place. I’ve come to recognize a certain type of beauty in imperfection, and my ability to remain hopefully calm in the midst of messiness has gradually increased. These seedling lessons on personal empowerment amidst a seeming loss of control were planted during pregnancy with the “loss” of my running. Flexibility, selflessness, love, gratitude, mindfulness, and the ability to see beauty and remain at peace, even in the midst of chaos, were exactly the parenting attributes I needed training in to prepare me for the real workout, the days and years of motherhood after the birth-day.

I will never be one of those women who sings joyful praises regarding the “glowing” experience of pregnancy. Pregnancy was a tough interruption to my (admittedly limited plan) of a perfectly controlled, pain-free life. And I’m not going to sugar coat it, the seismic shifts that have come from becoming a parent have not just jostled my workout routine, but me. And you know what? I couldn’t be more glad!

I just read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. The title says a lot: although the western world values and rewards us for being outgoing and busy, there are also hidden advantages in occasional – or personality-wide – stillness.

When my husband and I presided over the Canada Montreal Mission, I often got positive feedback on talks or lessons I gave, but one stood out above all the rest. For months missionaries asked me for the notes or told me how helpful that training had been. For literally years, even their parents would mention this training as something that had been invaluable to their son or daughter. The subject of this training was, “Introverts can be Missionaries Too!”

Introversion is not so much about shyness (which may be more of a fear of people or of social situations) or poor social skills (introverted people can have very good social skills or extraverts poor social skills). Rather, introverts are people whose energy is depleted by being with other people (especially strangers or large groups) and who restore energy with privacy, solitude, and involvement with their own thoughts. In contrast, extroverts are more energized by being with others and may feel bored, depressed, or depleted by being alone. People can also be some of each.

An extravert may feel inadequate or unnerved when alone or when interacting with the same few people intensely. An introvert may feel inadequate or unnerved by large groups or new faces. Both extraverts and introverts need people, but in different quantities and in different ways. And both extraverts and introverts benefit from reading, prayer, or quiet reflection, but they need these things in different quantities and balances.

Most of us have some capacity for acting extroverted even if we are introverts by nature, or for enjoying solitude and our own inner world even if we are naturally extroverted. But it takes some self-awareness to manage our universal needs for both connection and self-reflection in a way that works well for us. I notice that both introverts and extraverts enjoy Sixteen Stones seminars, for example, but probably for somewhat different reasons. The introverts are usually more worried about having to share too much, and the extraverts wonder how they’ll handle the introspective time.

Introversion and extraversion are not the only persistent and apparently inherent aspects of our personality, but they have far-reaching implications for how we function day to day, how we feel about ourselves, and how we relate to others. Recognizing these innate differences can free us to both meet our needs more consistently and stretch ourselves out of our comfort zones with less shame or anxiety.

Finally! A new post. Had you given up? Here I am, back again…
And, at the beginning of a new year, with a resolution to do better at updating the Sixteen Stones blog regularly! I promise. Well, I resolve.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions, typically, is that we really want to change or improve something and we set a lofty goal. But we quickly learn that lasting change is the hardest thing we do in this life. We want something to change – maybe even profoundly want it…but somehow resisting that chocolate, keeping up with that new exercise program, or always governing our tongue against the gossiping word…it’s just too hard. And then, when we’ve fallen off the wagon once, it’s easier to do it the second time and, before long….the resolution has vanished into the fog of “what might have been….” And the sad thing is, we usually feel worse about ourselves because we just couldn’t manage the discipline to do even that…

Anthony Wolf, a children/adolescent psychotherapist encourages parents of teenagers to set rules for them, even when the teenagers seem to disregard those rules. He says that teens who have rules tend to behave better overall, than those who don’t. If you set a curfew at midnight and the teenager routinely comes in at 12:20 or 12:30 a.m., we can tend to think s/he’s disregarding the curfew. But, Wolf says, without the curfew at all, s/he might come in a 2 or 3 a.m. To be sure, there are some “rules” in our lives that are hard and fast. We generally call them commandments. But a rule is set to create a boundary to keep kids safe overall. And, Wolf says, if we reiterate the rule and tell our teenager that the rule remains in place and we won’t tolerate disrespect for it, typically, generally, the teenager will, more or less, abide by the rule. Now, that makes us uncomfortable sometimes, but I think the point is good. Set the rule. Reiterate the rule. When the rule is bent, remind and restate the rule and continue to expect respect for it. And, more or less, the teenager – seeking independence and distance from parents – all teens do – will keep it.

Perhaps that should be the way we think about resolutions. I want to be better at scripture study. I’m going to resolve to spend 30 minutes a day reading scriptures. Maybe I manage that four or five days a week. That’s better than last year when I only managed it once a month. I want to exercise faithfully five times a week. If I manage it three times, and remind myself that I want to do five, but acknowledge myself for the improvement of three, the resolution is helping me. If I resolve not to gossip, and find my loose tongue wagging and feel badly about it because I’ve broken the resolution, I remind myself of the resolution, renew my commitment to it and, I submit, that resolution is working. It’s working because it’s reminding me of the higher standard I’ve set and as I recommit to it and begin again, improvements will come…slowly, perhaps, over time…but that’s the way change becomes lasting and permanent. Slowly, a little bit at a time, over time. The scriptures refer to that as “line upon line,” or “grace for grace.”

I’ve made some resolutions this new year. And I’m holding a softer hand over myself as I work at them. January hasn’t been perfect. But my resolution continues to be the guiding star and, bit by bit, I’m getting closer to being the person I want to be. How about you?